The Worst Birthday of All Time

You don’t forget the day nobody remembers your birthday

The unhealthy thing about social media, at least for kids who have grown up surgically attached to smartphone screens, is that they opt for digital connection over the inherently human pastime of hanging out face to face. They’re living in physical isolation but having 58 simultaneous conversations with 58 other cats, all at the same time. In terms of not feeling lonely there is much to recommend this, but also something a little fucked up and matrix-style about it.

Being a luddite with no social media presence can take its toll too. Today is my birthday. It’s 11am and not one person has wished me the square-root of nothing. Here i am crying salty tears into my iced coffee longing for a facebook wall so people i haven’t seen since the 2008 festival circuit can wish me many happy returns. Or write happy days on my timeline, whatever that means.

In the age of reminders no-one has to remember anything, and so the Catch22 of opting out of facile communication with people you met on the 2008 festival circuit reveals its Hyde-side. No-one remembers your birthday. Which is fuel to the fire of the inherent fear in every one of us that we are completely alone. Which we are.

Luckily you still have time to make me feel less lonely.

Send me a text message. I’m on 07786548126.

Something like..


A compliment goes a long way.

If you want to ask a favour, that too.

If you want to get more eloquent, you could send me an email.

[email protected]

If you’re feeling generous then perhaps a monetary donation.

Domingo Cullen

In fact if you all clubbed together JD have just dropped some old-school Jordan fire.

Surprise drinks, even at this late stage, wouldn’t be out of the question.

The Albion in Islington has a nice outdoor area, in a relaxed setting, and some good beers on tap.

Maybe even a weekend away.

Some fantastic deals here.

Whatever you decide, just make me feel less alone.

You could sing me a song at least.

Go Go GO Go GO Go Go GO